Black holes and revelations in your mind.

I find that as I start to write this, there are words teeming in my mind, all wanting their own voices and I have to pick and choose to figure out which ones are right for this.


Initially, all I wanted to talk about was how job training was going, but then I went to update myself on current k-pop culture. I have since been distracted from the subject entirely.


It was an issue about a rookie male idol being accused of raping girls during middle school. Now, I want to say that I am setting the issue aside because this is not about whether he really raped her or not.


I'm not quite sure what this is about, but I assure you, by the time we've finished, we'll have found out.


What really triggered this all were the comments. Now, I am aware that you can't judge people by the internet, but I started to realize how ignorant some people are on the subject of rape.


To start off, I'd like to say that I know this is a sensitive subject. I also know that I am no expert on the matter, whether it be through personal experience or research.


But some of the comments made me absolutely sick.


Some of them ranged from the questions of 'Why didn't this girl come forward when she was raped years ago?' to 'Is she just doing this to get attention?', which personally, I think is bad enough. But it got worse. Below is a direct quote from a commenter on the post. (Though, I did edit the language...)

I'm not going to deny that I'm NOT tough on women because I will be the first women to say I am. I'm just very tired of women who don't assert themselves enough to gain power or empowerment in any unfavorable situation. It just makes me sick and I'm so f****** embarrassed to be a women when this kind of situation comes up. It only reinforces the "women are weak" stereotypes of which I cannot even begin to support for any reason.

I honestly... I have no words for someone who actually has the gall to say something like this. What made it worse was that she wasn't even trolling, this woman seemed believed every single word she was saying and I have no doubt that there are others like her out there, people who have absolutely no empathy for victims of abuse or rape - not even just women, but any victims.


I took five minutes to try and imagine what it would be like. And I know that there are gaps in my imagination because it's not something you can understand unless you've dealt with it.


But even just trying to imagine it, I cannot comprehend what victims must go through and what they must live with for the rest of their lives. Someday these people will be made whole again and they will be happy. Maybe not in this life, but they will in the next one. I truly believe that.


As I read these comments, some filled with so much ignorance, I started thinking to myself. As some of you know, I want to be a filmmaker, and I realized that I wanted to make a film. A film that is so realistic that people watching would realize that it's right under their noses. So disgusting and vile and real. I want to open eyes and give people mirrors and ask them 'This is who you are. Look at yourself for a minute. Would you trust yourself? Would you be afraid of yourself?'


I understand that the majority of the global population is good people who just want to live another day, but that's about 7 billion people. Among those people are men and women who walked straight out of nightmares that never should have been dreamed in the first place.


Sometimes I feel like people don't realize (myself included) that these people exist outside of dramas, books, and movies. They could be walking down the street next to you.


I'm not trying to make some gross generalization, I do realize that people are aware of them, but in my limited fishbowl...


Maybe it's silly to be bothered over this - but there are so many movies made that are so stupid, so meaningless. What a waste of time, money, and life. There are voices left unheard because society doesn't want to hear them and because there are so many people crying wolf that maybe nobody would believe that voice if they stopped to listen.


I don't want to be the one making third rate movies that people buy popcorn to watch.


I want to be someone that makes a difference with something she is passionate about. I still have my voice, don't I?


And maybe my one voice doesn't matter.


But maybe it does.


And if it doesn't now.


Maybe someday it will.


Perhaps this is just the ramblings of dramatic child, but I've run out of words to tap out. If you read this, thank you.

It feels like insomnia~♫ But it might just be insanity.

Restless!

Sort of.

I still cannot chew without feeling the urge to cry and it's been a whole week. I still sleep a lot too.

I think there's something wrong with that. Right? Suki said that she was definitely back to eating normally by now and tomorrow it will have been one week since my wisdom teeth came out! I didn't even have all four!

Body! Work with me here!

Yesterday I spent most of the afternoon feeling like I was freezingly hot (which does not make sense, I know) and extremely dizzy, even when lying down. After consulting with a friend about it, I realized that I had taken painkillers on an empty stomach. After some (questionably tasteless) mashed potatoes and a drink, I passed out for an hour. Woke up and all was well.

I'm not sure if that was really the problem, but whatever it was, I'm glad it's over.

I feel like changing my layout again though. I'm not sure to what.

Off to go finish my chocolate protein shake. I actually like staring the mornings out with them, they don't make me feel like throwing up. Same with Attain shakes.

Yay for being healthy~?

Mmm, anyway.

Ciao~♪

My amusement.

My mom showed me this email about a week ago. I need to stash it somewhere so I can bring it up every now and then and laugh my lead off. 8D♥

_________________________________________________

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.'

Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customer's monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'



Are you f------ kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything
mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong'.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always. . ...

Wendi Aarons
Austin , TX

In the strange confines of the mind.

I almost never show anyone else what I write outside of things I write for school. I write a lot, but I'm never satisfied with what it is to say that I have written it. Mmm. But I wrote something last week and...Mou. I like it~! It's weird. Very weird. And no, it's not amazing, I already know that. But I like it. And since I write for my own satisfaction, that is all that matters.

It was somewhat inspired by Fahrenheit 451 and strange dreams. The premise is vague, as are the characters. A genetically elitist society of sorts, but I can't tell you much beyond that.
____________________________________________

→ Glass Eyes

The doctor sat there, strong and handsome, his bright blue eyes clear, filled with a warmth that seemed to follow him everywhere. Though he sat still, so still, he was wrapped up in a grace that seemed to defy all the rigid confines of reality. He had a near glow of perfection.

I knew the man well, having become acquainted years ago. How had we met? A seminar? A house party, perhaps. Maybe even vacations and winding destinies were the answer. I didn't remember anymore. I knew him well. My attention, however rapt, was not for him.

It was for the small girl who sat next to his chair, nestled in a contraption I had not seen outside of historical simulations. A wheelchair.

She was lovely, pale as if she was bathed in moonlight, the shimmer on her skin dancing and winking as if she was aglow. Delicate, pointed features – like that of a pixie, the little faerie that were so popular among youth.

Her eyes were what had me so enthralled. They were like glass, perfectly smooth and flawless – crystal ghosts that would haunt me for an eternity onward.

It was her eyes and the wheelchair. I couldn't look away. I didn't want to. It was as if she were a flame and I was a moth, dancing closer to my death. Such an apt description, I had no words. I just stared, a ice cold wrapping itself around my heart.

The doctor held up a hand and I shut my mouth, unable to remember what I'd wanted to say in the first place.

“I know.” He said simply. “I know. But when she was born.” He glanced sidelong at the little girl. “We knew already, of course.” The doctor spoke slowly, each word carefully given its own weight. “'Kill it, kill it, kill it' they told me...but I looked down at her. And she wasn't alright...I knew that. But she was so perfect. And she was...she was mine.” He drew his gaze away from her, looking at me, his eyes calm and steady. “I couldn't do it...”

“My wife – ah, you never met her – she never knew,” He continued on. “I hid our child and before I knew it....my little girl had no mother.”

“She was quite an ageless beauty.” I agree quietly. I had, of course, never met her, but the holograms had been enough.

“I think she got her smile, don't you?” He was back to looking at his child, “They never got to meet...But~,” gently reaching a hand out, he brushed fingers through her dark hair. “She's still her mother's child...”

“Doc...” I murmured, unsure of what to say, of what I could say. He cut his gaze to me, giving me a small smile.

“I don't expect you to keep it a secret...I don't expect anything from you.” He told me finally, standing up and moving behind her wheelchair, grasping the handles. “This will be the last time we meet.” He suddenly looked so tired, like a shell of who he had been mere moments before. “Thank you for being my friend. And thank you for listening.” He carefully wheeled his daughter out the back door and no other word was spoken.

I sat there, feeling the tick, tick, tick of time and unsure of how I was. Clocks, time, all irrelevant unless you liked digging through history.

I thought about her.

I thought about her eyes.

Those eyes.

Slowly pulling myself to my feet, I turned, heading for the front door and letting myself out. I felt dazed as I walked down the street, as if someone had pulled a shade over my eyes, transforming everything I was used to into something so familiar but so alien.

I felt lost.

***

I never saw the doctor again. They disappeared, but there were whispers, always whispers. He'd fled, they'd found him, he'd resisted, they'd shot him.

I never heard anything about the little girl.

***

Somewhere out there, under the sky, she lies. Her eyes are heavenward and the stars are reflected in those eyes, those eyes that fade in and out of my memory, perfect and smooth as glass.

They hunt for her.

Kill it, kill it, kill it they chant at me.

And somewhere, far away, her eyes close.

____________________________________________
→ The End

Nothing fantastic or anything, but I do like it. ♥

Completely off topic, but I feel the urge to change my layout. Going to get on that! ー笑ー

Oh look! It's a wild post!

Everyone get out their pokeballs!

Ah, nah.

Just thought I'd make a quick post and say Happy Father's Day to my dad.

Because he is awesome, I get my geek from him, he compares my personality to the hull integrity of a ship, and he's my daddy. ♥

(Having said that, I feel bad for not making a post of Mom on Mother's day and my defense was 'BUT I SAW HER AND WISHED IT IN PERSON'...but I'll be seeing Dad this evening, so...I just fail.)

In other news, I'm wearing dangling earring and it's so AWESOME!

♥

EDIT: And as I have just been reminded, it's also my mom's birthday!

So happy birthday, Mom. ♦ Thank you for giving me the dominant half of my personality genes. 8D Love youuuuu~

Dusting off the skeletons in the closet.

My goodness, has it really been over two months since I last updated this thing? Wow! Talk about some epic fail there, huh?

To Do list of updates:
♥ Legal Birthday
♦ China
♣ Hair/Clothes/Makeup (lolwhut?)
♠ Books!

---

♦ Legal ♥ Birthday ♦
January 22nd, 2010. I turned 18. Of course, it's just the number that comes after 17, right? However...

MWAHAHAHAHAH, I AM LEGAL!

Well...not that being 18 brings anything awesome, truly. What the heck, I don't want to vote. Drinking doesn't happen until 21. (Not that I want to drink, but as Suki says, it's the fact that I COULD.)

Anyways, I decided that since my 16th birthday basically didn't exist, that I was going to do something for reals for my 18th birthday. Me, my best friend Emma, Kimmi, her best friend (and my good friend) Chelsea, and the lovable adorable stick Holly, all went to the Easton Mall.

...Can I say that I'm kinda in love with this place? Who knew that Ohio had decent shopping?

Emma spoiled me for the day and we hung out while Kim, Holly, and Chelsea ran around elsewhere. We checked out the bookstore, which was heavenly, got makeup at Hot Topic, ate Chinese, and got smelly spray. ♥

To top it all off. We got to see Avatar in IMAX-3D. If you haven't heard me talk about Avatar, I am sort of, kind of, completely in love with this movie. This is my life. I love movies. I adored Avatar. I would have seen it a million times if I could. Getting the DVD? Heck yes.

Oh wait, but that wasn't all. This actually happened the first thing we got there, but I got my ears pierced. I am the first of my sisters to get this done and it was something of a victory. It actually didn't hurt and while the earrings I have in my ears are a pain to try and take out, they're pretty and I love having them pierced and I'm keeping them.

---

♠ China ♠

So. This all begins several weeks ago. Maybe a month or so. I'm on facebook, playing...right then, it was Country Story, I think. I blame Kim and Suki for this, honestly. I'm playing this game and I look at the ads...what do I see?

'Travel to Mexico! (LDS standards)'

Why I clicked this, I have no idea. I really have no interest in Mexico at all. I don't want to go there, I don't really like spanish, Mexican food is good, but not my favorite.

But despite all that, I find myself clinking on the link.

Long story short, I ended up showing this site to a few people and will begin the application process shortly. I'm hoping to spend 5 months in China early next year, teaching little kids English.

I am excited.

I mean, it's not for sure...but very likely at this point? I'm working out some details, such as references and where the heck all the money is coming from, but. We'll see how it all turns out.


---



♣ Hair ♥ Clothes ♠ Makeup ♣
My hair grows at insane rate right now. Kim keeps it cropped short, but really. She JUST cut it and it's already looking shaggy. What's up with this? My fringe is as bushy as ever, but. I love my hair. This haircut rocks too. Out of the way and everyone seems to think it's cute. Yes, I am shallow. Yes, it matters.

Clothes. I started designing again. I've got a lot of projects lined up, but right now, I'm butchering hand me down shirts. It's pretty fun. I sit upstairs at Nana's and blast music, because I found all the good XM stations. Mwahahah. My wardrobe is slowly becoming more crazy and colorful and I LOVE it. I want to go on another shopping trip, but I'm not sure for what. I just want a spazztastic hoodie and maybe jeans that actually fit me. I lost weight since last spring and my pants don't fit properly. Ugh. Do. Not. Want. (Though, I'm perfectly fine with the actual losing of weight, I just don't like not fitting my pants.)

Last but not least, I have started wearing make up for no reason except that I like to. I only really wearing eyeshadow, which I think is why I wear it at all. My eyeshadow is really colorful (and it sparrrrrkles~ ♥) so it's really just like wearing a pair of gloves or a scarf to me. When did I become a girl?


---


♥ Books ♥

So for the past week, I've read quite a few books. More then I have in the last two or three months, probably. Sadly. >> I haven't been reading that much lately, but I picked it back up. I have read, in the last week.

Fairest
Sunshine (again)
Deerskin
Princess Ben
Lord Sunday
Memoirs of a Geisha

There are two or three I don't remember. There was also Rose Daughter, which, I am sad to say, I put down and didn't finish because I found it horridly boring. This is the first time that has every happened to me concerning a Robin McKinley book. I was rather shocked.

That being said, all of the above books should be read, if they haven't already. Memoirs of a Geisha is FANTASTIC and I loved Lord Sunday, though I'm sad that the series is now over. I love Garth Nix.

Enchantment by Orson Scott Card is next on my list, after I finish reading Little Women. It's been a while since I last read it, so it's been nice. We reserved the movie too. Yay, Christian Bale. ^_^

Anyways...I have written enough, I will try to post something more often, and oh my gosh, I love fuzzy socks.

Ciao ♥

Burning of a history~

Oh wow, so it's been nearly a month since my last post? Man...okay, I really will do better, I swear. (Though, why am I so concerned, who's reading this anyways?)

An update on my life is that people are crazy, boys are stupid, and I turn 18 in less then two weeks. How freaky is that? I can help chose the next president. O_o Holy crap. Well, who knows where I'll be over the next few years.

I'm not sure if I really have anything important to write about, except that kids my age worry me. Actually, it's not just kids my age but those a little younger and a little older.

We had a sort of book report last week in Young Women's where we all brought a book we loved (excluding the Inheritance Cycle, the Twilight series, and Harry Potter), and talk about it. The writing, the setting, etc. Obviously not to give away the ending, but anything else goes.

Well, I was originally going to bring what probably equals my favorite book. Ender's Game. Ender's Game is just so powerful to me, I love it. You can enjoy it on so many different levels. It's definitely not a kid book but I read it when I was about 8. I understand it a lot more now, but my love for it began then. I happen to think that Orson Scott Card is brilliant and if anyone wants to be proud of a Mormon author, they should be proud of him, no Stephanie. I love Ender, I love Bean, I love Petra, I love Val, I even love Peter.

His stories are beautiful, even the ones he says he doesn't like. I read a series of short stories, some relating to his bigger works, like Magic Street, and others that were about things such as this strange aging and insanity disease or how the elephants are the gods. He creates such strange new worlds and you just get immersed in them. I find that amazing.

Anyways, to get back to the story, I was going to use Ender's Game for my book report but I couldn't find my copy. So two hours before I was supposed to go, I was scrambling around, trying to think of a good replacement. I love books and our tiny trailer is filled with ones I like, but none that I felt quite took place of something like Ender's Game.

And then I found it, stuffed in my bag, where it had resided for several weeks due to me wanting to read it and always forgetting. A stunning classic by an author I adore completely. A book that was more then worthy of my book report.

It's cover was worn and beaten from several siblings getting to it before me. The pages are brown and a book wrom has found it's way into some of the pages. It smells old. Yet all of these things make it just a little more special to me.

Fahrenheit 451.

The temperature at which books burn.

This was another book I read when I was only 8 or 9. I didn't understand it very well back then. I was confused at the plot, puzzled at events. It took me a few more years to really get a better grasp of things, or maybe I just needed to ask Jamie to explain it all to me. But the words, Ray Bradbury's writing, stuck in my mine. Especially the title, it's tag line, and the first two paragraphs, where Ray Bradbury likens Guy burning books to a conductor of the symphony of the burning of history, or something like that. My memory fails me. It's a gorgeous beginning and it just keeps on going.

I love Ray Bradbury's imagery in 451. It's something that is contained in all of his books. He's written several different styles in the various stories he's published, but they always still feel like him. I recommend his collection of short stories 'I Sing The Body Electric'. There's story in there about Abraham Lincoln assassination and it's absolutely fantastic.

So I brought a classic to my book report, right? I can't even tell you how many in there hadn't read either. Either! Ender's Game is considered one of the finest of modern literature and Farhenheit 451 is a classic. But I think there was only two people in the room besides me who had read either book. Jen and Ellie. Ellie is no surprise, she actually reads more then I do. But we have some other readers and Aubrey hadn't even heard of Ender's Game.

Let me put this out for you. Everyone in that room besides Laurie and maybe Ruth had read the Twilight books. I know kids my age (mostly girls, really) who think that these books are literature. That they're a classic! That they're the best books ever written!

...Isn't there something wrong with this picture here?

Okay, to be fair, it's perfectly okay to like a book that isn't a great classic. Take Harry Potter for example. It's definitely not literature, but I do love it to death.

However, like I said, I'm not calling it fine literature, I'm not calling it a great classic. It's a wonderful story but it's not genius. To think that things like Twilight or Harry Potter are works of fine art...just sort of means you don't even understand art.

Another thing that bothers me is how much kids don't care about these stories. How much more concerned they are about teen gossip, video game plots, and Twilight. They can't be bothered to read anymore.

Seriously, how is it possible? I don't know, I come from a family of book worms. Well, I'm not sure how book wormish my parents are, but all of my siblings are readers, their are just varying degrees. If I had to name the one who reads the most (even if it's not current) it's probably Jamie. I know Kim's near the bottom, but that doesn't really mean much, she still reads more then the average person.

I just can't quite imagine not having that love for books. I wasn't like Suki, I didn't teach myself how to read, but I did learn it quickly and I moved onto the big books early one. Before I was ten, I'd read the Lord Of the Rings, Narnia, the Screw Tape Letters, Farhenheit 451, To Kill A Mocking Bird, Ender's Game, and Harry Potter, just to name some major ones. Now, granted, I didn't have the best grasp on those books, but subsequent readings have cleared up a few things for me. But I have always, always loved books. I tell people who asked me, I didn't spend a lot of time playing with dolls or hop scotch, though I did both. My siblings and I grew up in the library. South High, I knew where all the good spots where. I'd just flop out in the aisle and read and read and read. Some of my favorite series when I was younger were things like the Saddle Club, the Magic Attic Club, and of course, manga (more on that later). Wasn't a huge fan of any of the American Girls. Molly annoyed me, Kit was a brat, Felicity made me want to stab my eyes out.

Since then, my tastes have changed. Favorite authors are like the two mentioned above as well as ones such as Eoin Colfer, Patricia C. Wrede, Robin McKinley, Anne McCaffery, and the list goes on and on. Other books that reside in my top books are books like Brair Rose by Jane Yolan and The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom, both books about the Holocaust. Goose Girl by Shanon Hale (another author Mormons should be proud of) is another favorite.

There are plenty of others, but this post has gotten long! And spanned a whole day of writing. In any case...Uh. Yeah. Okay, bye.